A lifetime

I wish I could take photographs of this place.

I wish I could somewhat, someway record this. To arrest this, exactly as it is.

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As simple as it may sound, life is good when you are doing what you want to do and life is suffocating when you are forced to live a life that does not suit you.

This moment, which captures and encloses an entire lifestyle, this choice of living, is where I belong.

But for how long I can postpone I do not know. It doesn’t seem fair. As if all this is still temporary, even though years have gone by… This feels like home. But I will always be an outsider. Even if I am inside of all this.

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I fear, the only thing I do really fear of, is that I am wrong, in my thinking, that one can survive unaided. A quest for company? Far from it. It is the fear that what I want to do, will ultimately be my own downfall.

Solace, is beautiful.

To be alone, is for me the greatest luxury. To admire the wise manners of nature, how there is a balance within cruelty and purity. Justice. The magnitude of accepting life as it is and not some double-coated illusion. To be content within ones self.

Relaxed, at ease, light, yet anchored. Grounded yet flowing. And I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Flow. Occurrences, instances, all these fragments that put-together, constitute the moving picture of a lifetime.

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Life is all about flow..

Some things you control, some far from it. It all comes and goes. The good days and the bad come, and go.. and when the wave washes away all that’s left is the small shaped stones and shells, slowly morphing into sand.

That’s all that’s left, I suppose.

Multi-coloured pixel sand, in numerous variations..

Sometimes we are a shore, hosting different shells. Friends. On occasion, a big chunky shell washes up in your shore and throws you out of balance. I think that is called Love. Initially.

And shells can stay in between sand for ages you know. They become part of the scenery. They co-exist, in what seems eternal, as the waves wash in and out, shaping them, together.

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But every now and then a shell wants to be more, or less even. For which reason, I have yet not fully understood… other than.. ambition?

This, and many other, have led me to the assumption, that one is better off alone, to be engraving his course, collecting along the way, moving towards something / somewhere (where one finds substance), where one finds peace.

Surely there are moments better shared. And this is why we have family and this is why we have acquaintances and this is why we are intrigued to meet and get close to people (in any way), even though we are not lacking anything.

And somewhere along the way we lose hope. In people.

You see, I see, that animals have respect for one another. There are some ground rules, never to be disregarded. They are a given.

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Humans on the other hand, even though are bestowed with the gift of social conscience, we chose to look past it and feed other “virtues” (needs, traumas, fucked up mental knots) which are washed up in the most random of situations.

Why bother with human contact, either friendship or any form of social exchange, if the world has become one big clinic of psychotherapy where you say Hello and in response you get a paragraph of emotional trauma, blame, guilt and anger. It’s best you follow your own path, course-correcting along the way, feeling lighter, more assertive, more composed, as you grow.

Then times change and your ever-eager, ever-curious self wants to discover more, to feed, to move further.

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So you end up being in need of assistance, some other complex assortment of characteristics to observe, share, attempt to approach – in variation of ways – surely.

Dare I sound as idle and naive as to be thankful to have lived so many diverse moments, sharing silence, sharing the sun, where comfort and this shared unity is present.

But where passion is, then so is line of error and sooner or later one of the two will fall out of line.

Out of line, out of order.. Dysfunctional. Insufficient. Problematic. One finds ways towards decline. As if it is interlaced in human instinct to disappoint one another. As if we find pleasure when things turn sour. (or not. But then again, why did you let it go so far? Why do you care, even? Do you choose a life less lifeless? Or do you rather hurt as much as you love?) Where does the pleasure end and pain begins?

And this is a never ending circle. One does to another, another to another, and we end up with broken telephone lines, tangled into ill-communication.

Baggage. Passed from one journey to the next….

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If there could be an animation describing this exchange then Imagine the common lighter. No one recalls buying one, yet you end up having someone else’s.. People get into relationships – in a healthy mental state – and at some point in life, during one of these serious relationships, someone imposes their whims and turns your head inside out (we all make a mistakes, become victims of wrong judgment, we live – we learn) and so the next person, which is in a healthy mental state, ends up paying for what the previous person did. Ghosts from the past do not allow someone to be unbiased.. and so on and so forth.. paying it forward. This circle of excess luggage has to stop and people need to recover, mend themselves before sailing into another adventure..

It is all so functional. So automatic. So absolute. A self-fulfilling process?

I refuse to accept so.

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Man can be a creature of creativity, of greatness. Surely these self-destructive tycoons, weigh him down into the pitfall of his gloom, his own worst enemy. But all it takes is a crumb of self respect (usually down there at rock bottom) and a pinch of determination, to break the cycle. To be self-sufficient. To mend all broken links and stitch the skin back together. Until it heals.

Even if one heals, and is on his lonesome track, he tends to care for others, Since man is both an independent as well as an interdependent being.. And others might be lighter (in conscience) or heavier (residue of pain), further ahead, or left behind, others closer, others further, adding to one’s life, but nonetheless holding them back. Even if you get rid of your own baggage, you are forced and weighed by the other person’s luggage.

Trying, to take a step back, to see the bigger picture, to see the show behind the curtains, is a never ending battle. Even if achieved, each person sees what they chose to see.

Consequently this adds variation, interpretation, spice.

But it is far more fulfilling, as well as tempting, to communicate with some, on the same level of understanding, boldness, bluntness and raw elegance. When one puts down a piece of the puzzle and the other one knows which piece to put next to it, instead of simply turning their sachet upside down and laying all of their mixed unmatched odd pieces, on the floor.

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These statements are real. And have led me to the bleak conclusion, that I can not be with anyone, truly, for I value life too much. For I appreciate the sea too much. For I enjoy wilderness too much. And everything else would always come second..

No person could ever survive, for I remain compulsive even if terribly composed. Compulsive.. Impulsive.. For I give, not to be given to, not to be thanked, but to be silently and internally, secretly even, appreciated.

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I find no point in endless discussions about change. Change is something that happens, not talked about. If you accept you accept for what is, and not for what it isn’t. If lucky enough, you get to see a side of man which is private, tender, unguarded. And then, there, is the final trial. The test of all tests. To play with the cards you have been dealt, no hidden aces. You know yourself, you know them all. You are the vicar and the victim, in one instance. The judge and the accused. There.. you either win, or lose it all.

Why jeopardize one’s fearless flight, one’s perfect composure, to become disarrayed?

Why not choose to glide through life in ice-skates, seeing people, catching glimpses, forever moving, ever changing, enriching.. Living.

Wild.

Untamed.

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13 thoughts on “A lifetime

  1. TIME of an artist and Social Standing of a human being should not be confused. Its perfect when art happens with others and you get the best of both WORLDS. Society and the artist do need each other

    • Yup. Existing within society and daily social interaction is actually food for thought, given that you take into consideration every moment as a learning experience.. I was mainly focusing (and thus referring to) the extreme situation we live in now where people are manically going through relationship after relationship trying to find the romance “as seen on TV” and all this rush to get married simply to avoid living in solace. Solitude is not scary (think of Colonel Aureliano Buendía..) I’m afraid I have to use another person’s words to express myself.. “Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped. Thou shalt not return, ’cause “the West is the best.” And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild”

  2. Myself, I have given up trying to be whole. It’s not in my nature to stand alone. I am only filled with happiness when I am with loved ones. Friends, lovers, family. Flow is beautiful but a fleeting moment.

    Kazantzakis wrote in “report to Greko”, “it has taken me all my life to realize that all I want is to sail in the sea.” This was a magical moment in a book where he described how in all his life he was searching who he wanted to be without luck.

    http://www.arisvrakas.com

    • Kazantzakis.. naturally I support his views, especially writings on Greko.
      I do believe in friendship and family and love, or else I wouldn’t be complete. We all move from dependence to independence and then gradually interdependence.
      I was aiming to pin point that human relations have been burdened with prior baggage because people fail to do the work of cleaning their hard drive and just move on their junk form one person to the next, either it’s a friend or a lover.
      The best person to explain is Jorge Bukay, who describes how each human should do his/her own work and go through the process of being alone until you become independent and not lean on others. Being tough on yourself and extracting the truth (what you really want) and thus not torture other people you meet in life. (Whereas the norm is people with the tendency to fall from one relationship into the next..) Solace here is mentioned not in the context of “Journey to Ithaka” – in search for something – but more like a journey that comes after you sort yourself out, which at that point, solitude is actually what you want. “There is a pleasure in the pathless woods; There is a rapture on the lonely shore; There is society, where none intrudes, By the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not man the less, but Nature more…”

  3. I’m going to paraphrase Thoreau here… rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.

  4. The article is exquisite, profound and so impact-fully generous to your fellow humans … as you serve up the purity and golden perspective which you in fact LIVE EXPRESS AND perpetuate. We were soul sisters from moment one, you & I, and as i read the melody of your QUILL… (not even your mother tongue…..) I realize that YOUR MOTHER TONGUE is a spiritual language – that you craft with such grace, not grandeur. Wonderful Wonderful. KEEP WRITING. Keep shooting. LONG LIVE THE SHELLS SHIMMERING IN THE SANDS AND SUNS ! brava !

    • Rana.. there’s this tune..

      Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.
      I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
      From win and lose, and still somehow..
      It’s life’s illusions i recall.
      I really don’t know life at all.

      • Bows and flows of angels’ hair ….. and ice cream castles in the air ….
        and feathered canyons everywhere…..

        I really don’t know life ……. at all……………………………..

  5. I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your post. I grew up in the US, went to law school here and have two graduate degrees and on top of that words and writing are the tools I use daily as an attorney. But your writing and language abilities so surpass mine. You write beautifully, with simplicity, clarity and style (even though English is not your native language). I hope you do some great things with this skill and ability. All the best.

  6. Today.. everyone writes, therefore the only thing I can do with this skill is continue broadcasting my thoughts, in case someone stumbles upon my words. We’ve all read abstracts which were as if speaking directly to us because the timing was right and they are in accord with what we have been through, therefore make perfect sense.
    I’m glad that the message came through.

  7. After reading your post for some reason I remembered something I wrote 6 years ago…here igoes:

    “I’ve traveled some of the world but have not seen it, nor lived it. There are always questions unanswered and fears unfaced. Do I judge myself harshly? It has always been said that we are by far the hardest judges on ourselves more than anyone. And yet I feel that with pressure one produces, with stress, anxiety and fear one learns. There is no “where am I supposed to be right now?” Maybe there is a path for everyone and yet if that is the case, who decides? Are we destined to live preordained lives? I believe that is not right. I believe there are paths, there are signs one can choose to follow. But ignore societies standards, ignore what others expect of you and follow what you believe is true. Maybe that is the only way to live a full life up to your own standards.

    And this brings us back to the beginning; as if that is the case then one has to be their own judge. One has to find the strength to fight their own demons. What society, or more correctly, what people can do for each other is to believe in each other and help the people close to them accomplish what they believe they were ‘destined’ for. Isn’t this what our forefathers did? Who said they failed? As humans we’ve accomplished so much – together not alone -. And now, I find myself repeating what so many before me have recorded in their own notebooks, diaries, computers, typewriters, laptops, movies. And yet I don’t feel cheated. I don’t feel I’m doing wrong. This is my own discovery, these are my own thoughts. From idea to words, to a tangible document that one day I will read and think, “I remember now…I was growing up, maturing as person.”

    I’m 21 and I’m not early, nor late. Traveling by my own pace, who says I have to rush or slow down? Looking back I know I’ve made my own progress and if it seems to some that I could have done more or less I wont judge them for being too judgmental towards me. That would be a betrayal to my own beliefs. Going round in circles I’m not hoping for an answer nor a catharsis, simply analysis. My own little note on the 14th of July 2004.”

    After reading your article and after re-reading this old, slightly raw piece of writing… and after knowing the choices I’ve made in the past 6 years i.e. I am getting married soon to the same person I was dating then 🙂 I think my only comment is that one can be alone, alone enough to find space to self reflect even amongst a million other humans, even in a trully deep relationsip whithin which emotions and feelings can sometimes ovewhelm in the best and worst of ways.

    As I’ve said many times before I believe love is and should be the beginning of everything; and as you say one should love oneself, life and each other enough in order to appreciate that any negativity/baggage should not be inflicted on anyone. Not on family, not on friends, not on a lover, not on nature.

    If this means finding some space alone and cleansing then go out there – in there and find it. Sometimes you don’t have to travel to the end of the world to do that. Sometimes you can go for a swim, walk on a wet patch of grass, lay on the burning sand amongst other stones and shells…and meditate.

  8. Well said.
    I appreciate the honesty of your writing, very much. I have similar thoughts on this and I do agree that life is a solemn path one has to walk alone, even if in profound company of a person we are fond of. Out of respect, we have no right to.. turn our sachet upside down laying all of our mixed unmatched odd pieces, on the floor..

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